I’d Vote For This…Utah, Would You Vote for this Guy?

Here's a satirical article about my dream political candidate who I would for sure vote for...

"Parents don't know how to keep their kids under control at restaurants. It's not just Cracker Barrel," said City Council candidate Conrad Barlow.

Barlow's "out-of-the-box" approach is appealing to many senior citizens in St. George who have been showing up in droves to his speeches.

"When I was a kid, we never got to go to restaurants!" shouted Barlow at a campaign event outside the Dixie Center. "We ate at home!"

While kid's are protesting Barlow's speeches, Barlow is clearly striking a cord with locals who are tired of eating out at restaurants and having a bunch bratty kids making a bunch of racket.

"I worked by butt off all my life so that I could enjoy eating out at restaurants during my twilight years," said Jody Armstrong. "But in any restaurant you go to in town there's just a bunch of wiener kids acting a fool."

THIS IS A SATIRICAL ARTICLE!

Barlow has gained nine points in the polls since he started his "no kids at restaurants" messaging.

A new report released by the city validates Barlow's concerns about juvenile misbehavior at local eateries. According to the report, 27% of children at St. George restaurants watch a movie or play a game, WITH THE VOLUME ON!, while a whopping 31% of child patrons "crawl on top of the table to go after their dad's Dr. Pepper" at some point during the meal.

Barlow is urging voters to "take [their] city back" from these little punk*** kids who "need a kick in the pants, and a night at home."

This report is satirical everything is fake. Thanks for reading!