Thanksgiving Dinner in Utah Can Be Awkward...Time to Escape!

Thanksgiving dinner is an important time for many families across the nation, and it’s only amplified in Utah thanks to the focus on family by the majority of the Utah populace.

While that sounds like a heartwarming time for families to grow closer, sometimes it’s the exact opposite. Sometimes grandma likes to talk about her love life with Old Man Jenkins at the assisted living community she lives in (I’ll never look at prunes the same way again).

At moments like these, you may feel an urge to jump out the nearest window and into the sweet embrace of the cave you call an apartment. Sadly, this will only make you lose brownie points in the eyes of grandma “Prune Popper.”

Let’s start with an easy one.

Fake an Illness

Faking an illness is something everyone did at least once as a kid, and maybe even more as a working adult. Find yourself the sketchiest looking dish at the dinner table and take a portion. After about 30 minutes, pull a Porky Pig and ham it up as a stomach pain.

Make sure you go to the toilet and sit there for about 15 minutes. This is vital in convincing your family you’ve got the runs. Flush the toilet about three times while finding sub-par memes on your phone to pass the time.

After that, you should have an opening. Find the alpha of the household and say you should go lay down. If they offer you a room to rest, DON’T TAKE IT. It’s only a trap to lure you into playing cards and football. Say you don’t want to give your “bug” to grandma and then leave. Don’t look back.

If that’s too simple for your family, then allow me to provide a more...creative solution.

The Plan

This requires some prep work so bear with me here. Before you head off to dinner, find yourself a homie that lives nearby and give them a call. Make a blood pact to bail each other out if you need to get out of dodge.

Be sure to recite “the mantra” before performing the blood pact to prevent any sort of heresy. After you’ve done the deed, head out to dinner and play the board. Say hi to every family member at the gathering and take stock of the situation. Who’s the head of the table? Who got the recessive genes in the family? What kind of pie is available? The more information you have will grant you more control over the situation.

Once the dinner has settled in your gut and the talk of your dating life begins, take out your voodoo doll you brought ahead of time and poke it with a knife. Once your brother starts reeling in pain, volunteer to treat the poor soul.

Look your brother in the eye and telepathically tell him to go along with the act and you’ll grant him a boon on this precious day. If he refuses, threaten his goldfish Amadeus and he should comply.

Now’s the time, call your homie to execute The Plan and tell your family you need to take your brother to the hospital. Once the alpha steps up to offer his assistance, tell them they’re needed here otherwise the following year’s harvest will be compromised. As a tear falls down their face, wipe it off their face and place it within your pocket vile for future use.

Once your homie arrives in his sedan, tell your family goodbye and take a piece of pie for good measure. If it’s lemon cream, don’t bother. After you exit the house, get in your car and exit the driveway. Crash your car into your homie’s sedan and you’ll be able to call an ambulance. If you don’t want to pay for the ambulance, offer the tear of the alpha and the medical workers will grant you a 1% deal.

Any questions?