Big Tad NFL Week One Recap on ESPN 97.7

Alright let's get to it.

Iggles 24 Cowgirls 20. Marty Shottenheimer called from Hell, he's not sure Brian isn't the mailman's. CeeDee Lamb, what's a matter you don't like it in the palms. George Pickens, why don't you go back to Georgia where Kirby let you get away with everything. You stink. Keep your hands to yourself and do what you do best, run deep posts with no separation. Jake Ferguson, how bout you hold on to the ball in the end zone dumb dumb. Anyway...

San Diego 27 Swifties and the Refs 21. Good job Roger start the season with a game only Ronaldiño and the cocaine cartels can watch. Maybe you should go be the commissioner for the Euro cup you pasty schmuck. That's the league where a bunch of men run around for 90 minutes and nothing happens. Mahomes, good job you cut your hair, now cut travis kelsee. Kareem Salad you can sub french fries for a salad at most american restaurants. Xavier Worthy, you should go find a cry room. You stink. Go run track. Anyway...

Raiders 20 Pats 13. Mike Vrabel maybe you shouldn't have kicked Belichick out of your facility he could have helped you learn how to suck at coaching and date tweens. What's wrong with you. Oh yeah, you don't have sea biscuit at running back anymore. TreVeyon Henderson ran like Rich Eisen. Drake May, you stink. Go back to the outer banks, pop your collar, and work at a Radio Shack. Anyway...

Bucks 23 Falcons 20. Michael Penix good game, idiot. This isn't the PAC twelve. Close out the game. Tyler Allgeier, Arthur Blank called, he wants you to serve a mission. Drake London, you have a new endorsement deal, Land 'O Lakes butter. Falcons fans, do like that? You want Kirk back yet? Anyway...

Bungles 17 Browns 16. Joe Flacco, color blind. Joe, you stink. Andre Schmidt or whatever your name is, nice kick goof ball. You had one job. Your being sent back to Poland. Joe Burrow spend a little less time on your pregame outfit and a little more time on learning the route tree. You suck. Jamar Chase, when you do your rowts, try running. Trey Hendrickson, we want some of our money back. Anyway...

Colts 33 Finkle's 8. Hey Tua, try throwing right handed. We get it your head hurts, but try and be anywhere close to the receiver. Zach Wilson, that was cute. It's like playing dress up. Mike McDaniel, get some sleep. Stop huffing paint before the games, start updating your résumé. You were cute for half a season, it's time to give Brian Flores his job back. Anyway...

Cardinals 20 Saints 13. Spencer Rattler, next time instead of pouring bleach on your hair just drink the whole bottle. Alvin Kamara, are you wearing Skechers? Kellen Moore, wins come harder when you're not on that silly blue turf. Fire your offensive line, and then fire yourself. You made Daniel Jones look like someone who doesn't have a palsy. Anyway...

Steelers 34 Jets 32. A. A. Ron. Good game hippy! You beat fireman Ed or whatever that idiot calls himself. That guy definitely didn't get vaxxed. Justin Fields, Purdue ain't walking through that door. It might be time to consider joining Big Noon. You stink. Anyway...

Redacted Skins 21 Giants 6. Russell Wilson, your hot wife called, she's going with Diddy. American Family Insurance called, they're also going with Diddy. Darrell Bevell called called he said you should have thrown more slants. Cam Skatteboo, you had a good run. Call dillingham have him send you the industrial quality glue that he huffs before every 3rd down. Anyway...

Jags 26 Pant Hers 10. Bryce Young, it might be time to go back to Chucky Cheese. Have a little dignity. Try and sue Mel Kiper, but just in case I'd take some online courses at I.T.T. Tech. You throw like Paul Skene's. Girlfriend. Chooba Hubbard, try going forward. Tetterowa McMillan, you can't coach height, but you can coach how to run a rowt. Try cutting. Anyway...

Bronk Hoes 20 Oilers 12. Cam Ward, wake forrest ain't walking through that door. Try looking before you throw it. Calvin Ridley you stink. Tyler Lockett, you're being sent some paper work to have completed by Tuesday. You'll still get your social security. Who's the coach of this team? He's an idiot. Anyway...

Forty Niners 17 She Hawks 13. Sam Darnold good job half a Jinge. Go back to Minnesota and live under water. Zach Charbonnay, this isn't line dancing, lower your shoulder. Cooper Kupp, you'll still get your social security, but have that paper work filled out by end of day if possible. Jalen Milroe warm up, no not your arm, your car. Drive back to Sabanville where everything was warm and fuzzy. Anyway...

Packers 27 Lions 13. Dan Campbell, you shouldn't wear your applebees outfit on the sidelines. Jared Goff, color blind. David Montgomery, your team doesn't get points for running out of bounds.  Jamir Gibbs, you got more yards in your hair than on the field. Jordan Love, Aggies stand up. Bronco is praying for your continued success. Anyway...

Rams 14 New Oilers 9. C.J. Stroud, pray Elon builds a time machine, you can use it to go back and not play football. Hey, Nick Chubb, no I didn't say your last name. I'm saying your first name with a description of how you look and run. You should go back to georgia that was the last time you were fast because you were driving a Lamborghini 80 miles over the limit, probably high, and Kirby let you play on Saturday. Anyway...

Bills 41 Old Colts 40. Lamar, it's not your fault. It's the white man. Your coach doesn't believe in you. Derrick Henry, stop fumbling, hold the ball like Ray Rice used to, but then don't watch anymore tape on Ray Rice. Just do that aspect. Rashod Bateman, this isn't walk through. You suck. Anyway...

That's it. See you next week!